Fandom, The Saving Grace of Nerds, Geeks, and Aspies

                                                                              Chapter 3

Off I went to college. No Young Mensa there. I was actually disappointed that they deemed the Bio book I had used in HS too difficult. The microscopes weren't as good either. But I had Torina, I had Star Trek, if I used the TV in the dorm lounge, and I met some interesting people including AW who rapidly became my best friend. She collected Marvel comics and was also a talented artist. I even learned a bit about how to draw characters from her.

My first roommate was a theater major. She knew when open tryouts were, and I rapidly got involved. I had a genuine coup, landing the role of Doreen in Tartuffe. OK, I kind of cheated. I overheard Keith, the director saying to someone that he wanted the scene to be almost balletic. Sooo, I ran back to my dorm room, got my ballet slippers and played it that way. I used ballet hands and made my movements slow and graceful. Seeing as I'm a geek and a nerd, it might be surprising that I could do this, but I'm not physically clumsy. I've had multiple forms of dance, studied some choreography, had gymnastics and yoga. I had at this point, two years of radio workshop and a year of drama complete with Stanislavsky and directing. I had acted and directed in an outside group as well. So why wasn't I a drama major? I wish I could have been. I was at least as good as most of the girls in the theater department and better than many. I was even enlisted as a coach to help a fellow cast member to lose a regional accent. But I had neither the face nor the body to be an ingenue. Even my own mother never thought I was pretty. In fact, my husband never did either. My body was very trim but I had practically no bust line. In fact, for Doreen we had to use make-up and stuffing to make it appear that I did. There is a line where Tartuffe tells Doreen to “Cover that bosom.” It had to appear that I had one to cover. I was too young for character roles and looked even younger. Coming from New York I knew that at any given time 85% of actors were unemployed. My neighborhood was full of them. Actors were the people I would work the Christmas rush with at Gimbels. As fun as being a theater major would have been, if I wanted to earn a living, I was better off in the sciences. That did not mean, however that I would stay away from the theater.

I can't say that I made a favorable impression on some of my cast mates. I read very quickly and memorized even more quickly. Almost immediately I knew not only my lines but everyone else's and I would throw them their lines at rehearsals. They found that annoying. I was trying to be helpful but it was perceived as arrogance. For a while I was pretty unpopular. That did change somewhat after they got to know me a bit, but it took a while. This is 20-20 hindsight. Back then I had no idea what was going on.

I was living by the Torinian calendar. I had it up on my wall. I also had some Star Trek audio tapes to play when I really needed them. I played regular records. Remember those? I played my favorite songs over and over and over. I can't say that sat well with my roommate or my neighbors. Again, I was pretty oblivious.

With every play came a crush. These usually started at auditions or callbacks and ended with the striking of the set. In most cases everything was in my head and the other person was totally unaware. That was fun, but with one exception, not serious. I was desperate for a boyfriend but still really still in love with CF. If that makes no sense to you, it doesn't make any to me either. But it was the case. The harder I tried, the less successful I was. Keeping my head on the Enterprise or in the clouds of Torina made things a bit more bearable.

On my first Christmas break I actually saw CF. He had agreed to give me three hours but he got stuck standing in line for tickets to something, so he was two hours late. I had been crying solidly for the second hour, so I was a total mess. He called to ask if he should still come and of course I said yes. There is nothing like having no self respect. We talked about our respective forays onto the stage. He actually acted some things out for me. It was nice and he graciously granted me an extra fifteen minutes. I was obscenely grateful. On my next break home from school I talked to him on the phone. He told me who he was sleeping with. Well that did it! It was a knife straight to the heart – twisted. I shook for about 45 minutes. Then I really knew that I would have to fall in love with someone else.

I had to go back to school early for play rehearsals. The dorms were closed and I stayed in a house off campus with some cast and crew. In the house was TM. He had an older brother who was also there, although neither cast nor crew. His brother was getting all the attention. He had just come back from the Peace Corps. He wanted to be a performer. He was playing his guitar and singing and garnering praise. There was TM sitting against a wall in the living room, occasionally strumming on his own guitar, and totally ignored – except by me. He was part of the crew, building the set. He was there, I was on the rebound, this was more than a play crush. We had a lot of fun. I wanted more. He let me know on the way home from the cast party that he wanted fun and making out but nothing more. That was not what I had in mind. Strangely enough we actually stayed friends. He played some of the best jazz piano I have ever heard. Whenever I heard it, I knew instantly who was playing. He left school after 2 years and became the manager of an auto parts store. Sigh!

And then there was E. He was at least as socially inept as I was. He was also interested in drama and music, but a science major. The attraction was inevitable. The problems were also inevitable. We were of different religions and religion was extremely important to both of us. We agreed on a lot and had some great discussions but we had great differences as well. He was tactile defensive. Now, I would know exactly what that entailed and what to do about it. Then, I was clueless. I desperately wanted to touch him, but I couldn't. We did our best when we were at least 300 miles apart. Letters were a great form of communication. This gave us a great summer between my junior and senior years. He wrote long letters with stories and drawings and maps. They could by no stretch of the imagination be called love letters, at least not on his part, but they were wonderful. My letters were serial, written at about the same time each night and sent off about twice a week. I would have loved to use the “L” word, but I knew that it would not go over well.

That was also the summer I discovered Comicon in NY. Back then it was neither big nor glitzy nor expensive. If you wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask. There were no autograph tables or VIP passes. I still have an autograph from Bob Kane, creator of Batman. I was there because DC was recruiting for their Junior Bullpen and I thought it would be great to write comics. I submitted a portfolio. Eventually I got their evaluation: “You sure can write, but your stories are too violent.” Back then comics had to be suitable for seven-year-olds. How times have changed. I met some wonderful nerds, one of whom now draws cover art. I also bought everything Star Trek that I could afford. They showed the first sneak peak of the animated Star Trek series. I was in heaven. AW came to join me and unfortunately got her purse stolen. Well it was NY. It was a good thing that DC didn't take me. If they had I would have quit school. That would have been very unwise.

When the summer was over, I returned to school. I was sitting on the bare mattress in E's room waiting for him. When he came through the door he handed me a story he had written. It was about a merman and the closest thing to a love story I had ever seen him write. It filled me with hope. It turned out that it was false hope. We were not to be. I still have the letters, though. When my older son started writing stories and making drawings and maps, I pulled them out to show him that he was not alone. Don't get the wrong idea. They are totally unrelated. As I said, no touching.

So where did a son come from? Actually I have two. They come from the guy I met 3 days after I got to grad school. I invited him up to my place to listen to Star Trek tapes. We've been married for 38 years. Star Trek triumphs again!